


The Ones I Say Goodbye Too (WIP)

by DaddoRelated



Category: None - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-13 11:53:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29775768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaddoRelated/pseuds/DaddoRelated
Summary: When Harvey left Eli, life was supposed to end, but it ends up continuing on. Life comes full circle and death and life are not all we think it is.





	The Ones I Say Goodbye Too (WIP)

If there was some way I could communicate with you, I would want to apologise. While I continue to suffer, the years blend together that a year will pass and it is as if I just blinked. It's a scary feeling losing track of so much time such as a year. Is this what it felt like before you left this world?

Tonight the cool air is permeating through the crack in my window. The screen doing little to hold the chill from seeping in. My cheeks and ears are escalating into ice it seems. Its not so bad considering the heat from my own body is making the room impossibly hot. I hook one leg from under the covers just to balance by body temperature yet even so my mind can't be convinced that I am in a state of content. Every night is a constant battle between hot and cold, sleepy and awake, relaxation and pure madness. 

Sweet sounds of piano and rain are another man's ceiling fan. Its sound trying its hardest to lull my mind to enter rem sleep. My dark circles command that sweet slumber, playing the lottery to produce better dreams than my own reality gives me. Being awake is the real nightmare. 

Had you felt like this too? Mind reeling with the idea that if sleep gave way to beautiful dreams, yet death was the greatest slumber of all. Death is the ultimate exit door. One that locks you out from the inside as you pass through it. Once it clicks its done. But just as you gamble with nightmares and splendid dreams, does dying also hold the same odds? I am faultless I know. I am not in charge of what dreams you receive yet I feel so compelled to say "im sorry". Probably because I understand more than anyone else in the world why you chose to remove your light from everyones hearts. Leaving more than a mere ghost. Useless memories that do little to quell the pain that will ripple throughout my life.

Oh god your mothers nightmares are indeed much worse than mine Im sure. The empty feeling I get when I awake and realize the sweet dreams in which we sit together and laugh like old times, fade away to reveal my own shit reality. Her mornings breed a sense of emptiness and guilt that I have no right to feel.

If only the air crawling through the window could suffocate me dead. I am a coward. Once upon a time, drinking was fun, and recreational. Now I drink to drown the pain, even better if I black out and not feel at all. A double edged sword since I tend to not feel or remember, yet a disregard for my own health and sanity leaves missing pieces of the times I'm awake. Only to be filled with embarrassment and fear. Forgetting is terrifying.

But all I want to do is forget…

…………………………………

Now I've gone and done it. It sounded like a great idea at the time. Ending my pain so quickly and easily.. surely I don't need to worry about that now. But boy was I wrong. Exiting that door, and hearing that click, the fear that flooded my mind drew my knees to the floor. "What the hell did I just do?" Oh absolutely I entered a nightmare. I thought about all that pain I was enduring, the fear, lack of sleep, rolling thoughts.. all replaced by my mothers screams. I thought this was the easy way out. I wouldn't have to endure hearing, feeling, and seeing the pain in the aftermath of my death. Those who I convinced myself "they don't care", it hit me like a train that I was so horribly wrong. People who don't care dont cry. People who don't love you don't gasp for air at the realization that you are no longer around. It's better if I had run away, at least then, there was hope of my return. However now I had seared into everyone's mind that I will not be returning this time. Some convinced themselves I would. Little Alfie even asks "when is brother coming home?". No one has the heart to tell his small self the truth. A 3 year old wouldn't understand even if you explained it in the simplest way. I can hear my mothers heart physically shatter every time his little hand tugs at her hem at random times asking "Shall I make a plate for Harley just in case he comes home?" She'll only reply "Sure" and dump the plate of food into the garbage every time. My mother still has never figured out how to cook for three.

Life didn't stop for my father. He never got the chance to grieve. Three days of bereavement was all he was given to experience the loss of his own child. He weeps in the shower every morning. It's so quiet that it's overwhelmingly loud for me. With the running water, the only way I can tell he is crying are the obvious cheek muscles straining against the desire to just completely lose it. Sometimes he needs to hold himself up by pressing a hand against the shower wall just to keep his knees from buckling. 

I've completely destroyed my family. Alfie is never going to be loved properly because of me. The freedom and carefree life we lived now became a boa constrictor around him. My parents collectively agreed "we will never allow this to happen again." Out of all the dangers in the world, never once had they believed the biggest danger to my life was my own self. No one is to blame but myself. Yet my mother, my father, will never ever come to believe they held no blame. They loved me plenty. And there is nothing I wrote in my suicide note that would ever convince them that they were loving enough, or enough in general. And there's no way I can tell them now. I did this to them.

My friends, i'm sure, somehow think they are to blame as well. Those fleeting thoughts of "should have, could have, would have" will follow them to their graves. This is how guilt works. Even though I ultimately came to the decision to take my own life, they somehow believe there was something they either did or didn't do. Which is never near what it actually was. I am so selfish. Everyone near me, no matter how significant, was affected in some way over what I did. Down to the part timer at the convenience store that would ring me up twice a week. News came to him much later than most yet, even he, showed up at my funeral, falling, believing he didn't deserve to be there.

Why didn't I see this love when I was alive? I thought I would feel angry but now I just feel guilty. If I had just stopped, or slowed down every once in a while and simply paid attention a little bit more, would I have seen this? They way my life matters in small moments to even the shortest of interactions with passing moments, even among strangers? Did my smile impress someone they told their wife when they got home from a shitty day at work?

All these 'what if's' don't matter anymore. And the worst pain of it all, was having to come face to face with the person I loved the most in the whole world. The only one who knew the real me. Not as a son. Brother. Or a friend. The one who knew me as Harley. 

"Eli. More than anyone else I want to apologize to you. To the very end you denied the reality of my death. Even though you saw this coming before anyone else. I think you may have been wondering why it was I actually did what you knew I was going to do. "I thought I was special.. special enough to keep you here… I'm so sorry Harley '' was all you said at the neatly made urn in which held my ashes. Your apology stung the most. How in the world was my own mind so evil as to convince me, out of all people, that you didn't care. Even I can't explain why in the world I didn't believe you were enough. I couldn't face you, even if I had lived. You were what made life tolerable. God damn it I am so fucking selfish. I am so sorry I hurt you. I thought maybe if I was gone, somehow everyone was better off, yet I had only convinced you that life wasn't beautiful anymore. Life is beautiful Eli… I see that now.. please believe me. Fuck, I wish I could tell you this. My death just slung you into the same life I was living that drove me to death's door. I may have just killed you.``  
But Eli was someone I admired. And even now I admire him. If I even had a cup of his courage I never would have left. 

'So do you see now how life is a gift? Not to be thrown away such as you have?' A voice called out. Even though it felt like months since I had entered death's doors only a few moments had passed. A cinema of a life following my death like a small movie had played. Glimpses in real time the aftermath of my decision. "Who's there.." I respond looking around. I can't describe what I see around me now that the moments of life beyond my death have disappeared. A white light has approached. Its energy is calm and kind, such as a friend you've known forever reappearing after being gone for a long time. Tears instantly burst from their duct. I felt such a strong emotion of kindness I had never experienced before. Trust poured from my chest that I fell to my knees and bowed at their feet. The feelings that followed were that of a huge desire and desperate plea to live. Kind of like a normal person who didn't want to die, being trusted through that exit door against their will. "I want to live. I want to go back… I don't want to die. There's still so much I want to do. Things I want to see. I never got to love people properly.. I made a mistake. Please I want to go back." I cried out from deep within my soul. If will power were real I was using everything in my soul to manifest my life back. 'Calm yourself child. I can feel your desperation which has called me to your side.' I looked up at the being, if you can call it that. Angel. God. Demon. Spirit guide. Wherever mankind got the idea of a higher being, surely this was that. 'I've come to offer you a gift.' It was mentioned. Yes, just before I noticed it, it had mentioned that life was a gift. "Am I being brought back to life?" I asked, through pseudo breaths. 'If you understand, I will grant you life, but as such there are conditions. Regret is not an excuse to live.' 

I couldn't understand what it meant, but it makes a lot more sense now in hindsight. 'I shall grant you life, but not the life you lived. It'll be new, reconstructed into something different. Placed back in present time yet, not the same life you so carelessly threw away.' I cock my head to the side. Not understanding what i'm being asked. 'You'll live as Finn. A boy of 17 who lives with a mother and no other family. You will retain the memories of Harley's life yet also those of Finn. Everyone who ever came to cross paths with Harley will have forgotten you. No record of Harley's birth nor his existence. Will you still accept this gift of life? Will you do more with it than Harley?' I couldn't understand what was going to happen, but I accepted this gift without hesitation. I need to see Eli again. Mother, Father, Alfie. I'm coming home. "I want to go back.."

…………………………..

The harshness of that constant consecutive honking of an alarm pulled me from what seemed like the deepest sleep I had ever had. My chest heaving in slight panic as I look at unfamiliar hands. I am flesh, alive, breathing air that stung my chest. I can smell the slight scent of bacon and hear a faint sound of classical rock beyond the door of my room. The sunlight presses past the small cracks of the cheap blinds covering the window. A cheap attempt to ward off the sun's blinding warmth and light, yet I can feel it on my skin. Had I ever noticed something like this when I was alive? The feeling of the sun on my skin?

"Oh.. I remember. I'm Finn now…" I mumble to myself out loud. "Get out of bed! You're going to be late damn it and I've got work!" A harsh woman's voice called from somewhere inside this home. I wish I could admit I was unfamiliar with the home I'm in, but a slight pain of a headache follows the sudden flow of memories of the boy named Finn. It was hard not to compare my life as Harley to that of Finn's. We were completely different although our personality in question was almost a carbon copy. In a way I was still Harley. "Coming! Ya damn witch" I hollered but mumbled to myself at the end. 

Looking into the mirror, the me who was Harley before and the me now who is Finn look completely different. The fair pale skin was the first major difference. My eyes instantly caught sight of my much darker skin. A light mocha color. "I'm a completely different race…" I mutter to myself tugging at my now much rougher skin. My hair coiled in long curls. Even though my hair was black before it was always pin straight and no longer than a few inches. One tug onto the tightly round bundle of curls extended several inches. Not so long that it was girly, the coils pulled its length closer to my scalp. Even so it was healthy and shown in the light. Finn must take really really good care of his hair. My eyes are even more so different in an even more strange way. Before my eyes shown brown and almost deep honey in the sunlight yet now are replaced with greener tint. How lucky am I to have gained colored eyes. My lips are slightly larger as well as my my nose. I'm not so bad looking. I chuckle at that realization. Harley wasn't ugly. At Least I had never thought so. But Finn looked so much better. Perhaps this life isn't so bad.

I soon realized the freedom I was blessed with as Harley was not a luxury I received as Finn. Bam! My door flings open. "Damn it Finn! I keep calling you. Are you deliberately ignoring me? Since when had I raised such a disrespectful boy!" She huffed looking around the room. The silence that followed quickly reminded me that I should probably answer. "Sorry mom I was in the bathroom." I respond by poking my head out. Her anger coiled face melted into one that had remembered patience. "Well… hurry up. I made breakfast. You're going to be late for school. And I don't want to be late for work either. I know school is a pain but at least think about your mother." She replied before leaving the room, conveniently forgetting to shut my bedroom door.

I remember this woman. She's hard working. Finn worries about her alot. My father- oh. That is someone I don't know much about. I can only recall my mother. I wonder if Finn ever thought about his father. Who even was Finn… I don't even know what it's like not having one.. or a brother for that matter.. yet I am living a life without either. This sucks.

Eli…

I gasp subconsciously… my school. We don't even go to the same one anymore. But soon I recall that we live super close. My mother… My father.. Alfie… Eli… I have to see them. I pause. ".. will have forgotten you.." those words echoed in my head. Yeah. It'll be strange if Finn approached them suddenly. Anyone would find that strange. I wonder if the Eli I came to admire and love, could come to be friends with and cherish the me as Finn. For now I really need to come up with a plan… starting with dealing with my new mother and school. 

"Have you ever thought about setting your clock back even just 10 minutes? It would save me a lot of stress you know." She replied, the early morning 7am light of the sun passing through her own longer and much less curly hair, with her lashes unbelievably long. If you removed the stress from her face, and the reddened tint from her eye caused by a lack of sleep, she almost looked like an angel. Finn loves her very much. "I'm not a morning person." I respond. "You're a teenager, and a boy at that. None of y'all are morning people. Age will change that." She said with a shake of her finger against the steering wheel. Her kind eyes, pooled with a hardened caramel, looked over at me. She looked at me with a sarcastic filled smile as if to say 'laugh. I said something low key funny but you won't get my joke until you're older.' I flash a small smile back at her with a small puff of air from my nostrils to snicker. "Sure. I'll try that." It's the least I can do for her.. had she not existed, or Finn… I wouldn't be breathing right now.

The car came to a slowed stop in the middle of the neighborhood. Confused, my brows furrow as I search for a school. Some students are walking down the sidewalk in one direction, surely the school is nearby. "Mom, why did you stop?" I say.. breath fogging the window as i continue peering around. Even a slight pause made me look to her. Her response was one of slight confusion as she drew back against her car door in an over exaggerated caution. "Baby are you alright?" She asked. "Is it hormones? You never let me 'drop you off' at school. Something about me being so lame." I forgot that I'm Finn again. A short recollection caused me to panic slightly. "Oh right! I'm ⁰sorry. I didn't get much sleep. I'll see you at home." I replied in a hurry, scurrying to open the door. "Love you." She cooed now with a face full of slight concern. I reassure her with a smile, peeking down back into the door. "Love you too." 

Almost immediately, when the door shut, a huge weight hit my back, thrusting me towards the concrete. "Hey what the hell!" I shriek turning around. I know who he is. "Bro you're late, I've been waiting here for 5 minutes already. Its fucking cold." I gasp looking up at the tall blonde. His blue eyes looked down at me with fake annoyance. "Sorry.. overslept." With his hand stretched out he helped me up. My palms with small scrapes, easily to be gone in a day. This boy, he's my best friend. Annoyingly enough as he is, Finn trusts him with his life. Grayson. I gripped his hand and stood up. I'm slightly taller than he is. "You really should try setting your alarm further back then." "My mom said the same thing to me just now. Maybe they shouldn't start school at 7:25am every day." "Oh? When should they start it then?" "I mean if it was up to me we wouldn't need to go to school period." Grayson replied with a small chuckle. "They say high-school is the best years of our life. Set your damn alarm clock back a bit." My chest heaved with a defeated sighed. "Alright alright. You and my mother both, so annoying." He tapped my bad roughly as all "manly men" do. "Awh come on.. dont-" suddenly he was caught off guard from a shriek from behind. "Babe!" A girl called as footsteps approached from behind.

This would be Finns girlfriend, Jade. As she stepped up her arms slung around me, face barrier into my shoulder as she huffed to catch a breath. "Why didn't you wait for me?" She whined before placing a soft kiss on my lips. My eyes widened at the suddenness followed by slight guilt. As Harley I was only ever in love with Eli, and I still do although this wouldn't rather be considered cheating because of, several reasons. Still my heart belonged to him. "Eh?" Immediatly her face turned of one of worry and confusion. Again, I forgot that I'm Finn. "Sorry.. I woke up with a small fever I might be sick." I spat out. 'What kind of lame ass excuse was that? This isn't the fuckin movies..' her face became curious, eyes slightly squinted. "Okay? Whatever." Obviously she's upset now. I should care but ai really don't. I'm more worried about future drama. I know enough to grab her hand. Her small blush and averted eyes confirmed i made a 'smooth move.

Walking up to school, it wasn't Harleys. But still.it was just as big, with just as many students. It seemed much poorer and more relaxed than the school he had gone to as Harley. Once my friends split off into separate classrooms, the real semi-facade began. Finn was extremely smart. In classes that seemed normal for myself before were much more advanced for Finn yet he had no issue in any of these classes. Not the smartest but definitely smarter than me. Why is Finn even in a crappy school like this? He has a knack for academics. 

One teacher called me out as the bell rang. A signal to alert me to the fact she needs to speak to me. As the students shoved themselves from the room, apprehensive I approached her desk. "Do better." She simply said. Grabbing the handed papers i glared at the gran subconsciously confused. "Sorry?" I ask pulling the pages closer to my face. I could see fine, I just dramatically pulled it closer in disbelief. As Finn I couldn't possibly understand the less than average marks. Her eyes rolled as if I should already know. "This is weak. Re-do it. You're smart. If you half ass things in life you'll get half ass marks like this. You know what i'm saying right?" She asked, handing the paper over, the weight causing my wrists to twist down uncomfortably. "Got it…" i.mimble on response. What a good student.

Finn doesn't play sports. He doesn't have any close friends yet he is kind and is the type to say hello to anyone who says it first. Harley would question everyone's motive yet Finn didn't care. He was the epitome of everyone I (Harley) wanted to be. Harley wanted friends. He wanted people to understand. Where as Finn just had to be simply Finn and somehow everyone was pulled towards him. I'm starting to hate this Finn guy. Simply because Harley was nowhere near what Finn was and all Harley was, purely, in want, of being someone like Finn. The only person who came close.. to a gravity like effect like Finn.. was Eli who pulled towards Harley like a magnet.

At lunchtime those who approached were normal. Majority of everyone who calls me by name..with a name like Finn, of course a lot of people remember. But Jade was there. Her, obvious female instincts holding me close to lay claim to me. Even I am the furthest from judging since I did the same to Eli and I never held the right to claim him like Jade had the right to claim Finn. 

I won't go into the details of mundane high-school life. Lessons and homework, those vague teacher lectures. The hours fly by quickly. My whole day letting Finn take the wheel because I cannot begin to compete against him in his own life as Harley. 

Finn's routine after the final bell rings ist to go home. Grayson and Jade both had busses to take. Like my mother their parents can take them to school but can't take them home. The only difference was that I lived close enough that a bus wasn't needed to and from school. A slight privilege I had no right to complain over. Although the distance was only a few blocks. With a strap held by right hand, my heavy book bag hooked against my right shoulder. Something Harley never did. Balance with him was crucial. Both Harley and Finn were vastly different. Would my life view also be the different?

Before I could think further on my mindless walk home, my mind was pleasantly interrupted. A soft fur brushed against my pants covered shins. And almost nostalgic feeling rushed over me. A de-ja-vous feeling. My gaze watched the feline walk away, as if leading me with amazing trust to follow. One look around I could tell I am skirting the outside of a strangely familiar park. So small it was covered in sand with a 2 swing set. A separate slide with a see-saw, like those from the 90's that no normal kid uses in real time. Yet along the long wall that covered the west and east of the park, both held a drain system to prevent flooding of this insignificant park. Although its a drain it still harbored s small litter of slightly grown kittens and a light footed cat rolling in the middle of us. Curious yet still in need. This vulnerability a nostalgia I needed. "Ah.. I see now" I coo softly as I hang my pack in front of me, opening its zipper and pulling apart its fold to reveal a partially drank water bottle. 

No bowl, or anything that remotely resembles one, except the cap of the bottle which logically wasn't significant enough. Only then did my brain come up with a better solution. Somehow, I had done this before. Water with no bowl. What was I supposed to do? Yet without the full capability to do so, I had to do something. A common trait between Harley and Finn. We had to do the right thing. Neither of us was so evil as to just let things be as they were. Our kindness matching perfectly. Our fingers dug into the soft dirty soil to.make a bowl. Once the water was poured, only a few laps allowed the visibly thirst feline to drink before the soil greedily drug the moisture into the soil. A mark of defeat, as my brows furrowed in frustration.

"That's never going to work.." a voice called. Instantly, I, myself as Harley was flooded with nostalgia almost immediately. Unlike Finn, I had heard this phrase before. It was the epiphany to Harleys life. A young child, no older than 5 calling out to me in this very spot. The same quiet voice that sent tingles down my spine. Now that voice is much deeper, still kind, although harsh, calling out to me directly. My eyes roll to the side, only a split second catching those soft brown curls and pale skin. His body crouched down, palms on knees. His skin is a subtle white yet reddened at the cheeks and upper arms, reddened by a harsh sun. 

Those eyes, bright and evergreen framed by a harsh black and thick frame of glasses.. They haven't changed since a few years ago. Those staring at the helpless feline and her children. Although speaking to me, his eyes stayed steadfast to the kittens before me. Even at 17, he resembled that 5 year old I had previously met. That same wonder and curiosity that stole all of my attention. Slowly those emerald orbs caught mine and I completely forgot that I was Finn.

Eli.

My chest inhaled, a sudden desire just to grab him. Feel him. Confirm that this wasn't just a dream. My eyes sting with a need to cry. It's him… still innocent and pure as the day I met him. A hard distinction between the man he was versus the boy he was when I first laid eyes on him. But I'm not Harley.. Eli now doesn't even know Harley anymore. "Oh.. I figured that out by now." Finn replied, still holding a partially filled bottle of water. Just like old times, Eli pulled a small dish from home. He placed it in my makeshift bowl, dug from the dirt and looked back at me. "This way the water won't go deep into the dirt and they can drink it better." He simply said. 

I want to touch him again. Talk to him again. Hug him. Kiss him. I want him to know how much I miss him. I swallow deeply, my heart pounding so loudly I haven't a clue how he can't hear it.

"Do you always carry random bowls with you everywhere you go?" I asked jokingly as I poured water into the small dish. He was always so easy to tease, a habit I won't be giving up now that I'm Finn. I don't have to look at him to know what kind of expression he would have. Nose crinkled in slight frustration at the stupid question I had asked.   
"Of course I don't. I saw them here yesterday and tried to do the same thing you're doing now. I made sure today I could give them water." 

"I know I know I'm only teasing. Guess you're not the type to get sarcasm huh?" Of course, he's not. I really can't help but tease him. Eli sucked his teeth. By now he's aware that he's being teased. He won't fall for it a second time. Both of us stood up and took a few steps back to allow the animal some space. Both of us stood side by side a few feet away from each other. I want to hug him.


End file.
